Eyes Only For Each Other: At Least For The Next Three Minutes
The following is an excerpt from an article in today’s New York Times.
Eyes Only For Each Other: At Least For The Next Three Minutes
By RICHARD MORGAN
Published: December 11, 2005
Be clear about one thing: It's not a staring contest.
"Staring is so pedestrian," said Michael Ellsberg, a 28-year-old Web designer and salsa teacher from Williamsburg, Brooklyn. "This is gazing."
Mr. Ellsberg's approach is simple: speed dating without the speed. Rather than condemn singles to yammering about tired topics like where they grew up and what they do for a living, Mr. Ellsberg created Eye Gazing Parties, events at which singles sit and stare at one another in silence for three minutes at a time.
…In this city of a million ways to meet a potential mate, he may find a niche.
"It's the opposite of speed dating, in a way," said Doug Prince, a 28-year-old technology salesman from Astoria, Queens, who was one of 32 men and women who attended the inaugural gazing Wednesday night at the Bacchus Room, on Second Avenue near Third Street. "It's about intimacy, not urgency."
To the accompaniment of Brazilian samba and Cuban son music, women sat at small candlelit tables while men shifted seats after each three-minute gaze. Some participants giggled. Others let their eyes wander. A few broke the silence with a hushed "Thanks" or "You're really good at this."
Many of the gazers, who ranged in age from mid-20's to mid-30's, acknowledged that they were captivated by the counterintuitive nature of the endeavor…
…Stripped of words and, even better, pickup lines, the gazers resorted to gestural cues. Posture, facial expression, the placement of hands - all gained greater significance.
Or, as Ryan Parks, a 26-year-old hedge fund research analyst from Brooklyn Heights, summed it up: "Why are you sad? Why are you optimistic? You start asking yourself all these deep questions about the person you're looking at, and they're all so much better than the dumb questions of normal small talk."
Sometimes, he added of his fellow gazers, "they'd be happy in one eye and sad in the other. It was wild."
Will wonders never cease??? What will they think of next??? I actually really like that people are trying to come up with new and innovative ways to match people up. Hey, I would really like to see someone who is happy in one eye and sad in the other. That is quite a creative talent!
In all seriousness, I think this approach is counter to an Orthodox or ANY serious approach to meet a marriage minded person. This sort of “gazing” while legally Kosher, is an exercise in creating intimacy and emotional connection BEFORE determining if your Hashkofa, life outlook, and personality are compatible. It creates a false sense of connection while leaving the most crucial aspects of long term compatibility unexplored.
That is the same sort of objection I have to the notion of “Love at first sight”.
Would any marriage-minded person seriously consider trying the “Gazing” approach?
Eyes Only For Each Other: At Least For The Next Three Minutes
By RICHARD MORGAN
Published: December 11, 2005
Be clear about one thing: It's not a staring contest.
"Staring is so pedestrian," said Michael Ellsberg, a 28-year-old Web designer and salsa teacher from Williamsburg, Brooklyn. "This is gazing."
Mr. Ellsberg's approach is simple: speed dating without the speed. Rather than condemn singles to yammering about tired topics like where they grew up and what they do for a living, Mr. Ellsberg created Eye Gazing Parties, events at which singles sit and stare at one another in silence for three minutes at a time.
…In this city of a million ways to meet a potential mate, he may find a niche.
"It's the opposite of speed dating, in a way," said Doug Prince, a 28-year-old technology salesman from Astoria, Queens, who was one of 32 men and women who attended the inaugural gazing Wednesday night at the Bacchus Room, on Second Avenue near Third Street. "It's about intimacy, not urgency."
To the accompaniment of Brazilian samba and Cuban son music, women sat at small candlelit tables while men shifted seats after each three-minute gaze. Some participants giggled. Others let their eyes wander. A few broke the silence with a hushed "Thanks" or "You're really good at this."
Many of the gazers, who ranged in age from mid-20's to mid-30's, acknowledged that they were captivated by the counterintuitive nature of the endeavor…
…Stripped of words and, even better, pickup lines, the gazers resorted to gestural cues. Posture, facial expression, the placement of hands - all gained greater significance.
Or, as Ryan Parks, a 26-year-old hedge fund research analyst from Brooklyn Heights, summed it up: "Why are you sad? Why are you optimistic? You start asking yourself all these deep questions about the person you're looking at, and they're all so much better than the dumb questions of normal small talk."
Sometimes, he added of his fellow gazers, "they'd be happy in one eye and sad in the other. It was wild."
Will wonders never cease??? What will they think of next??? I actually really like that people are trying to come up with new and innovative ways to match people up. Hey, I would really like to see someone who is happy in one eye and sad in the other. That is quite a creative talent!
In all seriousness, I think this approach is counter to an Orthodox or ANY serious approach to meet a marriage minded person. This sort of “gazing” while legally Kosher, is an exercise in creating intimacy and emotional connection BEFORE determining if your Hashkofa, life outlook, and personality are compatible. It creates a false sense of connection while leaving the most crucial aspects of long term compatibility unexplored.
That is the same sort of objection I have to the notion of “Love at first sight”.
Would any marriage-minded person seriously consider trying the “Gazing” approach?
posted by Passionate Life @ 12/11/2005 04:14:00 PM
4 Comments:
I have a great Shidduch for you!
This happens to me all the time. Someone will come over to me and "red" me "great" "attractive" girl etc. I think you get the drift. When I ask if (s)he has seen the girl (or a picture of her) the inevitible response is no.
Now frankly, this is arguably chutzpa and at a minimum a total lack of consideration. Basically, what I am being asked is to gamble my emotions, energy, time (and some money) so that this person may be a "winner" and be able to say that (s)he made a shiduch (and then get a brokerage fee a/k/a "shadchanuus") to boot.
If you you don't know how to cook, you don't belong in the kitchen. If you're not a doctor, you shouldn't have a medical office. If you're not a lawyer, you shouldn't hang out a shingle. AND IF YOU ARE NOT A SHADCHAN, DON"T ACT AS ONE !!!!
nope. I consider this one more gimmick along the gimmick laden road of singlehood.
Frum Single,
Why don't you do what I do? Ask them for the persons Frumster or Koshestars profile. This way you can correspond, exchange pictures, and get a better sense if it is for you, without having to go through the emotional and financial expense of a blind date.
It's my strict policy and I advise everyone to do the same. What's the point of going out with random strangers that you know little to nothing about?
David,
You are probably right it is gimmicky. There are two points though. Singles are almost willing to try anything because its so frustrating out there (case in point our friend "Frum Single").
The other point is that there is something to creating intimacy between people by "gazing" in their eyes. I believe I read a scientific article a while back how staring into a complete strangers eyes for 5 or 15 minutes created a very strong bond in a controlled scientific experiment. Eyes are very powerful windows into our soul and essence. Connecting through them is a legitimate area of exploration. However, for the reasons I mention above I think its a terrible method for people who are marriage minded.
I think the eye gaze idea is absolutely wonderful.
We Jews are so overfocused on words.
Non-verbals are a vital part of communication.
[wink]
Kind regards,
Carin
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