What’s A Modern Girl To Do? Feminism and The Orthodox Dating Scene

Last week in the Sunday Times Magazine there was an eye-opening astounding article by Maureen Dowd. Normally her columns in the New York Times are ones that I skip as she tends to use a lot of name calling and childish type of arguments. Her politics is also on the opposite end of the spectrum than mine.

That is why it’s so shocking for her to write an article that once and for all puts the nails in the coffin of feminism. Her article is stunning as it is penned by someone who you would think is the epitome of feminist secular culture.

As a single woman in her upper thirties Maureen describes the utter disillusionment she has with the feminist movement and how it has left her and her peers – single professional women in their mid to upper thirties who have bought into feminism – distraught and alone.



While the failure of feminism is the thrust of her article she also decries the opposite end of that spectrum, women who hook up, fall prey to men’s depraved desires, and lead empty and unsatisfying lives.

I must say that unfortunately a lot of secular cultures notions about feminism have seeped into the Orthodox world. I have been astounded at many Orthodox women’s misunderstanding about the Torah outlook on equality and women’s role.

There is no question that this has led to much difficulties in the dating scene and a well meaning concept has done much damage to the people it was trying to help.

What’s A Modern Girl To Do?
By MAUREEN DOWD
Published: October 30, 2005



Here are some crucial excerpts from her article:

“…Little did I realize that the feminist revolution would have the unexpected consequence of intensifying the confusion between the sexes, leaving women in a tangle of dependence and independence as they entered the 21st century.

Maybe we should have known that the story of women's progress would be more of a zigzag than a superhighway, that the triumph of feminism would last a nanosecond while the backlash lasted 40 years.

Despite the best efforts of philosophers, politicians, historians, novelists, screenwriters, linguists, therapists, anthropologists and facilitators, men and women are still in a muddle in the boardroom, the bedroom and the Situation Room.”

The biggest misconception that feminist have is that equality means men and women having the same roles. These feminist could not accept that two genders with different roles can still be equal. Thus their conclusion that everyone can and should do and be everything and there are no intrinsic preferences based on gender, has left men and women in a state of muddled confusion.

The article continues:

“…So was the feminist movement some sort of cruel hoax? Do women get less desirable as they get more successful?

…Women moving up still strive to marry up. Men moving up still tend to marry down. The two sexes' going in opposite directions has led to an epidemic of professional women missing out on husbands and kids.

Sylvia Ann Hewlett, an economist and the author of "Creating a Life: Professional Women and the Quest for Children," a book published in 2002, conducted a survey and found that 55 percent of 35-year-old career women were childless. And among corporate executives who earn $100,000 or more, she said, 49 percent of the women did not have children, compared with only 19 percent of the men.

Hewlett quantified, yet again, that men have an unfair advantage. "Nowadays," she said, "the rule of thumb seems to be that the more successful the woman, the less likely it is she will find a husband or bear a child. For men, the reverse is true."

Calling a natural design in men and women an “unfair advantage” is not only silly but belittles the astounding power of a woman to create and bring forth life. It was not a patriarchal society that gave women wombs or the nurturing abilities that a mother has.



That one of the results of feminism is that 55 percent of 35-year-old career women are childless, is a travesty and a terrible crime that was indoctrinated upon impressionable young women.

Before anyone jumps into a hissy fit and thinks that I am advocating all women being uneducated, barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen, let me assure you that is not my philosophy, nor is it a Torah philosophy.

What I will say is that having and nurturing a family life should be EVERYONES priority. A woman can and should be educated and involved in work or creative pursuits, and still prioritize child raising and nurturing.

As the article wisely continues:

“…The Times recently ran a front-page article about young women attending Ivy League colleges, women who are being groomed to take their places in the professional and political elite, who are planning to reject careers in favor of playing traditional roles, staying home and raising children.

"My mother always told me you can't be the best career woman and the best mother at the same time," the brainy, accomplished Cynthia Liu told Louise Story, explaining why she hoped to be a stay-at-home mom a few years after she goes to law school. "You always have to choose one over the other."

…Cynthia Russett, a professor of American history at Yale, told Story that women today are simply more "realistic," having seen the dashed utopia of those who assumed it wouldn't be so hard to combine full-time work and child rearing.”



Being happy and successful does not mean having to keep up with men’s work habits and schedules. The ivy league graduate who is taking time off to focus on family life, will have plenty of opportunities to have a meaningful work or creative experience, whether its part time, home based, or when the children are grown or more independent.

By prioritizing her family life she is being true to herself, her nature, and her biology.

She concludes her article:

“...It was naïve and misguided for the early feminists to tendentiously demonize Barbie and Cosmo girl, to disdain such female proclivities as shopping, applying makeup and hunting for sexy shoes and cute boyfriends and to prognosticate a world where men and women dressed alike and worked alike in navy suits and were equal in every way.”



The feminist’s vision of a unisex world has led to sowing terrible confusion and pain to so many. Case in point is Maureen Dowd. You can see the pain in this article as she tries to make sense of a world that tells her not to be herself and has left her in a painful and lonely state. I truly empathize with her struggle and I wish for her to find a man’s man who will fulfill her needs and together can build a happy home.

I actually think that this article is a sort of a singles ad or profile and it was a wise thing for Maureen to do. I wish her the best.

Who would have thought that the day would come that Conservative Republican / Libertarian and Orthodox Jew, P-Life, would agree wholeheartedly with Leftist Liberal and Secular, Maureen Dowd???

Will wonders never cease! ;-)



I have heard discussions in more liberal Orthodox communities stating with dismay how Maureen has betrayed and abandoned their cause and values.

What is your take on feminism and its impact on Orthodox singles and the dating scene? Have you been personally effected by its misguided message? Or do you still believe it has validity?