Spotlight: Favorite Posts From Frum Single Bloggers

It’s time to shine our famous spotlight on some new and old members of the ever growing world of Orthodox Single Bloggers.

First up is, Its an Investment, who is a 26 year old single woman with the quirkiest sense of humor you will ever meet!

If you would like to see a taste of her very refreshing and bold approach to her Frumster profile along with her brave stance when Frumster staff, hilariously, did not quite know what to make of her, check out this post.


Check her out if you like fresh, zingy, out there, non-conformists with a great sense of humor.

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Here is one of the nets most famous Orthodox Single Bloggers, Rabbi Josh, from Yutopia. Josh is an NT for those familiar with Myers Briggs and is highly intelligent and articulate.

Check out his brilliant advice for writing an online profile that will actually accomplish something. I have been meaning to write a post like that but he articulated it so well that I can just link to his post.

Even if Josh is not an appropriate match age/gender wise, you can still greatly benefit from his sage advice about fixing your online profile.

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Hesh from FrumSatire is one of the funniest, adventuresome, and tells it like it is, single frum males out there.


Check out his selection of favorite posts which include his classic and renowned post

“The all inclusive guide to judging and labeling every orthodox Jewish sect”

As well as his hilarious post about Shadchanim:

"Shadchuns really do ask the most ridiculous questions!!!"

Great stuff!

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If you would like to be in our next spotlight (or added to our updated blogroll) please email me links to your favorite or most descriptive posts.

This is not just for singles to look at. If you have an uncle, aunt, cousin, neighbor or friend that you think would connect with any one of these or other frum bloggers out there, tell them about it. You never know what a little effort can do.

There have been a number of Blog shidduchim out there. One was with a former and popular member of this blog, Karl.

Here is a small excerpt from his story:

“So the weeks go by, shidduch suggestions come & go, dates from hell, dates from the boring world of grey normality. And each of us would come home and blog about how bad it was, how lonely we felt and how useless the system was. We chatted some more and did our own thing. There was at some point before that when P-Life started his blog of Jewish Orthodox single bloggers, with a network to join. P-life suggested that J.O.S.B. was the way forward - I mean, you'd know so much about the person from their OWN writing and both people could read about each other first. I was not convinced. A) I could not relate a blogger to a normal suggested shidduch; B) who would want to meet me after reading what I write and C) there were no prospective orthodox female bloggers within 1000 miles from me that I knew of.”

Read the rest of his very happy story.


Blogging is the wave of the shidduch future. Come on and step up. Surf’s out!

My Secret Expose On The Shidduch World

The deeper undercover in the shidduch world that I find myself the more bizarre it becomes. I am sincerely beginning to question the sanity or at least the IQ of the people who subject themselves to this or expect to find someone this way.

I try and give the benefit of the doubt to people even when they do something that I don’t feel is for me. But I am sitting here scratching my head trying to find some redeeming aspect to their system.

Please, if you can give me something that will allow me to see them in somewhat of a positive light, I would be indebted to you.

My aunt is part of one of these “Shidduch circles.” Basically a number of women get together to exchange questionnaires that single men and women have filled out, in the hope that one could suggest a Shidduch to a participant.

Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a beautiful thing when people make an effort to help others find an appropriate match, particularly in today’s day and age with so many older (wiser) singles. All of us singles need to be thankful and grateful to ANYONE that makes an effort on our behalf, regardless of outcome.

But I simply can not begin to fathom what they are doing. My aunt gave me about 20 such questionnaires from different women in my age range. Perhaps someone can help me determine which one might be the right one for me.

Each Q has all their background info like school, shul, references, age, height, religious category etc. Those categories make up about 85% of the Q. The following is their unique information:


Q1. Age - 30
Appearance – Very pretty, put together.
Personal Notes – Outgoing, warm, friendly, good hearted, down to earth, is close to family & friends. Enjoys mysteries & politics & the outdoors.
Looking For – Ben Torah, Koveah itim, also makes parnassah, mentch, good hearted, easy going.

Q2. Age - 29
Appearance – Blank
Personal Notes – Very involved in chesed. Very bright in both worldly things & Torah. Sense of humor, outgoing, many friends, generous, kind hearted.
Looking For – Baal midos tovos, someone who appreciates helping others. Someone who knows the importance of learning and wants to build a Torah home.

Q3. Age - 27
Appearance – Pretty, tall, slim, put together, very attractive.
Personal Notes – Good midos, good sense of humor, sensitive to the needs of others, sincere, honest, a good listener and a good friend.
Looking For – Someone honest with good midos and good hashkofos. Should be settled & know where he is headed in life.

Q4. Age - 25
Appearance – Slim & very pretty.
Personal Notes – Very pretty, bright, outgoing, a lot of fun, very sweet, friendly, good hearted, excellent with & loves children.
Looking For – A tall, good looking, outgoing bright boy who has personality, is with it, responsible, ambitious, well mannered, has good midos and making a good living.

(The following one was a bit longer, do you think it makes a better case for her???)

Q5. Age - 29
Appearance – Size 4, very pretty with long brown hair, dresses well and wears makeup, very put together.
Personal Notes – Warm, sweet, lively, friendly, kind hearted, outgoing, intelligent, good sense of humor, open-minded, flexible, creative, positive, and generous.
Looking For – A young man up to age 36 who plans to support his family. Someone kind, patient, easygoing, non-argumentative, intelligent, college educated, thinks of others, honest, responsible, generous, optimistic, open-minded, and flexible. (Not someone who smokes, gambles, or gets drunk.)

Okaaay! I had this great guy for you. He fits all your criteria but he is a bit of a gambler and a lush, so it’s a good thing you let me know you don’t find that attractive.

On and on I have a whole bunch more but its so repetitive, I am getting bored cutting and pasting the same terminology over and over.

Let’s see – practically everyone is, “Very pretty & slim.” They all pretty much are, “Outgoing, friendly, kind-hearted, etc.” and are looking for someone who is a, “Mentch, makes a good living, bright and kind.”


What is the point of collecting thousands of pages of meaningless information? Why would it be so hard to require that each single write a page about their approach to life, outlook, passions, WHY they like their hobbies, describe their uniqueness, etc???

I don’t mean to be mean about this, but I find it very illogical and silly. Can someone please enlighten me what I am missing here?

Scientific Proof That Being Orthodox And Single Is A Crisis.

The following article from the New York Times reinforces how being married (happily) is crucial to our health and wellbeing.

Frum singles are suffering and its incumbent on all of us to make our most concerted efforts to alleviate this crisis in our midst. There are too many wonderful singles out there and it’s a crime to let them suffer.

Holding Loved One's Hand Can Calm Jittery Neurons

By BENEDICT CAREY
Published: January 31, 2006



Married women under extreme stress who reach out and hold their husbands' hands feel immediate relief, neuroscientists have found in what they say is the first study of how human touch affects the neural response to threatening situations.

The soothing effect of the touch could be seen in scans of areas deep in the brain that are involved in registering emotional and physical alarm.

The women received significantly more relief from their husbands' touch than from a stranger's, and those in particularly close marriages were most deeply comforted by their husbands' hands, the study found.



The findings help explain one of the longest-standing puzzles in social science: why married men and women are healthier on average than their peers. Husbands and wives who are close tend to limit each other's excesses like drinking and smoking but not enough to account for their better health compared with singles, researchers say.

"This is very imaginative, cutting-edge science, linking this complex response to stress to different areas of the brain," said Dr. Ronald Glaser, director of the Institute for Behavioral Medicine Research at Ohio State University, who was not involved in the study.

In the study, to appear in the journal Psychological Science this year, neuroscientists at the University of Wisconsin and the University of Virginia used newspaper advertisements to recruit 16 couples from the Madison, Wis., region. The couples were all rated as very happily married on an in-depth questionnaire asking about coping styles, intimacy and mutual interests.

Lying in the jaws of an M.R.I. scanning machine and knowing that they would periodically receive a mild electric shock to an ankle, the women were noticeably apprehensive. Brain images showed peaks of activation in regions involved in anticipating pain, heightening physical arousal and regulating negative emotions, among other systems.

But the moment that they felt their husbands' hands — the men reached into the imaging machine — each woman's activity level plunged in all the regions gearing up for the threat. A stranger's hand also provided some comfort, though less so.



"The effect of this simple gesture of social support is that the brain and body don't have to work as hard, they're less stressed in response to a threat," said Dr. James A. Coan, a psychologist at the University of Virginia and the study's lead author. His co-authors were Dr. Hillary Schaefer and Dr. Richard J. Davidson of the University of Wisconsin.

Relaxing in the face of a perceived threat is not always a good idea. The brain's alarm system, which prompts the release of stress hormones that increase heart rate and move blood to the muscles, prepares people to fight or run for their lives, researchers say.

But this system often becomes overactive in situations that are nagging but not life threatening like worries over relationships, deadlines, money or homework. Easy access to an affectionate touch in these moments — or to a hug, a back rub or more — "is a very good thing, is deeply soothing," Dr. Coan said.



The most profoundly comforting hand-holding was between "supercouples," whose scores on the marriage questionnaire reflected a extremely close relationship, the study found. The brain region involved in anticipating pain was particularly sensitive to this marital quality, suggesting that a touch between close partners can blunt the sensation of physical pain, which is related to the level of anticipation.

All of which also explains why the withdrawal or absence of affectionate touch can be so upsetting. In research published late last year, Dr. Glaser and his wife, Dr. Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, reported that blisters lingered longer during marital strife.

And rejection, the ultimate withdrawal of touch, registers in the brain much like an ankle shock, said Dr. Lucy Brown, a neuroscientist at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine. Fear of the shocks activated a region in the brain "that we saw activated in people looking at a beloved who had recently rejected them," Dr. Brown wrote in an e-mail message.

"Love has its risks," she added. "It can make us very unhappy," too.



Powerful article! Let’s do something about it! Let’s make some efforts to connect singles. Pick up the phone. Rack your brain for appropriate matches for your friend. Talk to people; mention the great single friends you have. When you meet an eligible single, right away try to think who he or she might be a good match for.

Heck, if you see two single Bloggers who you think might be a good match, contact them and let them know. Don’t be shy and sit back while this crisis is ongoing. Don’t let your brethren suffer in silence.



All it takes is a can do attitude!

Are Frumster's Membership Prices Reasonable Or A Rip-Off?

A commentor on the previous post about Frumsters new policy had a bone to pick with their requiring premium upgrades (paid membership) in order to read and reply to emails.

He wrote:

"I respectfully want to take issue with the comments thus far regarding FRUMSTER. When the site was first started, it had many good and decent goals. Since it was sold to a new group about two years ago, FRUMSTER has become more of a dating web site and less of a site with lofty intentions for Jewish singles.

My concern is the marketing ploys they use to make users upgrade to more expensive plans. During Hanukah they allowed Basic members to send mail. If a Premium member responded, the Basic member could not read the mail even if the Premium member had paid for the mail service. Basic members had to purchase a monthly upgrade to read a single response. This happened to me.

Repeated Emails to Frumster did not correct this inadequacy, or result in a change in policy.

A few of my friends have removed themselves from the site entirely for this very reason."

At first I also was pretty upset that a basic member could not read emails. But after a while I realized its ridiculous to be cheap about the ten bucks that membership costs. I buy an occasional meal at a restaurant and don't think twice about spending $20 bucks. I can't spend that much on REAL possibilities of finding a mate?



The fact is that in the last two years Frumster has grown and is producing RESULTS. Their 20,000 member and 550 matches (18 a month!) is very much worth supporting. I know that we are spoiled and got used to having their services for free. But if you want a website that has a staff and can continue to expand, grow, and market themselves, that costs money.



It would be in EVERYONE'S benefit if Frumster is financially successful. I don't think its too much to ask to spend $108 a year for the opportunity to search and correspond with the LARGEST possible Frum dating pool. Heck, give up 5 fast food meals a year and it covers your Frumster membership. Instead of going on a terrible blind date and spending $100 on one wasted night, you can save that cash by corresponding a bit and getting to know your potential date through their profile and email.

Heck, one singles event weekend costs three or four times as much. Compared to most other ways of meeting singles, Frumster is a bargain by comparison.

I will make an even stronger statement. If you don't have $108 dollars a year to spend on the largest dating potential then you are not ready to get married.



Even worse are the straight out thieves who disguise their email address in their profiles. Hello! Have you ever heard of stealing??? Open a Shulchen Auruch, or speak to ANY Rav, it is stealing! In my book that disqualifies someone as a potential match. If you don't like their terms of service and don't want to pay, you don’t have to, but don’t try and sneak in the back door. Nobody is forcing you to be a member.

If Frumster does something really egregious then members should stand up and have their voices heard in protest. If enough members complain they will accommodate the members. They are a business after all and the customer is always right, except when the customer DOES NOT WANT TO PAY. Then they are not really customers, are they? ;-)

The New Dating Website For The “Differently Observant” - Frumster Lite

Everyone who knows me knows that I am the biggest Frumster fan. I have been encouraging all the singles I know to take the time and put up a thoughtful profile that truly reflects their personality, hashkofa, goals and aspirations in life.



I believe that empowering singles by enabling them to express, in their own words, who they are and what they want, and being able to choose based on YOUR own judgment, is the best way to go. If everyone would sign up you would also have the largest possible dating pool to choose from regardless of location or your limited social network.

Because I practice what I preach, I have gone as far as to tell any shadchan that if they want to set me up with someone they should forward me that person’s screen name and I will take it from there. If they don’t have an online profile, I am not interested in dating them, because there is no legitimate excuse for a person over 25 who is a mature, intelligent and capable person, not to have a profile.



My strong belief in Frumster has born fruit. It has now grown to over 20,000 members and at last count 526 matches in just a few years of existence. (It's averaging 16 matches a month!)

In a recent article in The Jewish Week, Derek Saker, Frumster’s marketing director, discusses Frumster’s new approach to gaining market share by embracing non-orthodox members.

“The challenge, Saker observes, is to transform the word itself and reinvent it as a less religiously charged term meaning “Jewish Dating for Marriage.” But even if the word “frum” retains a negative connotation for some differently observant singles, Saker says, “Frumster is creatively working to redefine the inferred service from ‘religious-only singles’ to a service for ‘all singles who are religiously looking to get married.’”

In other words, Frumster is trying to capitalize on its success and muscle in on the big boys like JDate by opening its doors wide to the “differently observant”.

About a year ago Frumster asked its members if it would be okay for them to expand their categories to people who are not quite religious or Orthodox but were looking to move in that direction. (Hence the Traditional and Growing category.) I was all for it because I believe it’s more important where you are going than where you have been.



However this new approach is a whole nother ball of wax.

I am not against their efforts to become (more) profitable. I think the more financially viable Frumster is the better website it will be for all.

My big issue with their new approach is twofold.

1. By including Conservadox, Conservative, Traditional, Reform, Reconstructionist and any other form of Judaism that does not believe that the Torah was given to Moses at Sinai, they are NOT going to create more matches.



I can’t speak for the Modern Orthodox Liberal crowd (please voice your opinion) but I can tell you that no Modern Orthodox Machmir, Yeshivish Modern and up category would consider dating the prior categories.

So what is the purpose of adding them to the site? Neither group will intermarry each other and at the end of the day, that is the bottom line – putting people who are eligible to marry each other in the same pool.



2. I have been working hard to encourage the more insular Yeshivish crowd to join Frumster. I think there is a huge market there that is struggling terribly and could greatly benefit from using Frumster. Slowly but surely this crowd has been joining up and it is becoming more acceptable in those circles. Adding in non-orthodox members will alienate this crowd and give fuel to small minded people to ban and discourage online dating.

My solution is as follows and should satisfy EVERYONE.



Make a sister site called Frumster Lite (Tastes better, less fulfilling ;-) for the “differently observant”. (If that moniker, Frumster Lite, is not offensive to the non-Orthodox crowd. If it is, come up with some other p.c. name rather than trying to remake the term “Frumster”.) Have all the non-Orthodox people on Frumster Lite. This way there will be a place for people who are tired of some JDate members' disregard for the letter J in JDate. It will be a site for people who are seriously trying to get married and whose Judaism is important to them.



I am all for inclusion and loving your fellow Jew, regardless of affiliation. But in this context it’s simply not honest and counter-productive to Frumster's purpose and its success. Hopefully Frumster will come to its senses and set up a sister site.

Eyes Only For Each Other: At Least For The Next Three Minutes

The following is an excerpt from an article in today’s New York Times.

Eyes Only For Each Other: At Least For The Next Three Minutes



By RICHARD MORGAN
Published: December 11, 2005

Be clear about one thing: It's not a staring contest.

"Staring is so pedestrian," said Michael Ellsberg, a 28-year-old Web designer and salsa teacher from Williamsburg, Brooklyn. "This is gazing."

Mr. Ellsberg's approach is simple: speed dating without the speed. Rather than condemn singles to yammering about tired topics like where they grew up and what they do for a living, Mr. Ellsberg created Eye Gazing Parties, events at which singles sit and stare at one another in silence for three minutes at a time.

…In this city of a million ways to meet a potential mate, he may find a niche.

"It's the opposite of speed dating, in a way," said Doug Prince, a 28-year-old technology salesman from Astoria, Queens, who was one of 32 men and women who attended the inaugural gazing Wednesday night at the Bacchus Room, on Second Avenue near Third Street. "It's about intimacy, not urgency."

To the accompaniment of Brazilian samba and Cuban son music, women sat at small candlelit tables while men shifted seats after each three-minute gaze. Some participants giggled. Others let their eyes wander. A few broke the silence with a hushed "Thanks" or "You're really good at this."



Many of the gazers, who ranged in age from mid-20's to mid-30's, acknowledged that they were captivated by the counterintuitive nature of the endeavor…

…Stripped of words and, even better, pickup lines, the gazers resorted to gestural cues. Posture, facial expression, the placement of hands - all gained greater significance.

Or, as Ryan Parks, a 26-year-old hedge fund research analyst from Brooklyn Heights, summed it up: "Why are you sad? Why are you optimistic? You start asking yourself all these deep questions about the person you're looking at, and they're all so much better than the dumb questions of normal small talk."



Sometimes, he added of his fellow gazers, "they'd be happy in one eye and sad in the other. It was wild."

Will wonders never cease??? What will they think of next??? I actually really like that people are trying to come up with new and innovative ways to match people up. Hey, I would really like to see someone who is happy in one eye and sad in the other. That is quite a creative talent!

In all seriousness, I think this approach is counter to an Orthodox or ANY serious approach to meet a marriage minded person. This sort of “gazing” while legally Kosher, is an exercise in creating intimacy and emotional connection BEFORE determining if your Hashkofa, life outlook, and personality are compatible. It creates a false sense of connection while leaving the most crucial aspects of long term compatibility unexplored.

That is the same sort of objection I have to the notion of “Love at first sight”.



Would any marriage-minded person seriously consider trying the “Gazing” approach?

Devotedly Adored, Forever After?

I came across a Frumster profile recently and I had very mixed feelings about it. This particular woman was not for me for various reasons, but something that she said really struck me.

She wrote as follows:



“…Talmud speaks about marriage when it says "A man who finds a woman finds goodness." The man I marry will be honored and adored by me, never criticized. I will support and challenge you to remain grounded in Torah as we grow old together, and will forever be your Aishes Chayil.

When G-D said it was not good for man to be alone, He created a woman to be his helpmate. I will help you lead a Torah-observant lifestyle so you will never be alone.



I also want you to be happy, so as your wife I will stay in shape and always look my best, be emotionally available, nurture and invest in our marriage, give you children (G-d willing), and/or be a good Jewish mother to those you have---and maintain a Kosher Heimishe home as we work side-by-side to build a life together. You will experience the love of Torah whenever you come home and I will ALWAYS be at your side during the good times as well as the bad. Your joy will be my joy, and your sadness will be my sadness. I will be your greatest asset, and you will be my best friend as I devote my love and life to you.”



After I read that I had such mixed feelings about it. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but there seemed like there was something wrong with what she wrote.

After I read it a few more times I realized that there wasn’t a particular sentence that I could find fault with. I sadly concluded that even I was influenced by secular feminist culture that somehow there is something wrong about a woman who wants to completely devote herself to a man.

She is not saying she is less than a man in any way, rather she is willing to be completely devoted in order to “work side-by-side to build a life together”.

I do think that I will take with a grain of salt her statement that she would NEVER criticize her husband. But I appreciate the intention and effort on her part.

Is her devotion realistic or too much to expect from a mate?